Things are great – and still developing

As I wrote in my previous post, my wife and I have decided to add the D/s-layer to our marriage again. Last time we didn’t make it work, communication was bad.

Since january I have been in heaven.  The simple agreement between us that she wil be on top and I will do my best to pleasure her anytime, has changed our marriage again and we are both very happy.

My wife has denied me orgasm since january. Last night she gave me the gift of release, and I’m very grateful to her, for her gift and for accepting my submission.

Our problem last summer was lack of communication. I had supplied her with links and books about this lifestyle. But she didn’t read any of them and as time went by I was getting more and more frustrated because I felt that we hadn’t really come to an agreement yet about our relationship. I was focused on serving her and was happy doing it, but I wanted to talk about D/s with her on a deeper level, the books and aticles was the key to this, but she didn’t read them. And I wasn’t wise enough to make it easy for her.

We are a danish couples, out language is danish, not english. Reading and understanding in english was the real obstacle for my wife. I knew this and still I didn’t realize that when asking her to read english, I was actually making it very difficult for her. I failed, my job was to make it easy for her, not hard!

The last couple of days I’ve spent translating “Uniquely Rika” into danish for my wife to read. I can’t translate all articles, but this book is very special to me and I want her to read it. Its written by MsRika and is a perfect picture of the relationship my wife and I want to build.  I love this book and I hope she will too.

Now I just wish she will read it… but if she doesn’t, I will be patient.  Evenhough I wish for at deeper D/s-relationship with her, I wil accept it if she doesn’t read it. The relationship we have right now is good enough for me, a lot better than it was before.

A new start

During summer 2008 my WLM-relationsship with my wife stopped. I had build up a lot of frustration and at that time I needed relief for my frustrations. Unfortunately it ended with at lot of topping from the bottom and the WLM-relationship died.

During the last 6 months our relationship has been very bad, we were unable to find a decent way to make our day-to-day communication and relation work. The result is even more frustration and an unhappy life for both parents and the children. This had to come to an end and after at lot of talks we both realized that we would give WLM a second chance.

Our problems are all in the lack of communications. We both want the WLM-approach but we didn’t talk enough about the conditions and it led to frustrations.

Yesterday we agreed to give it a new start.  We both want to be happy in our marriage and adding the D/s perspective feels right for us.

Uniquely rika

I bought another book this week, Uniquely Rika by Ms. Rika. The book is about service-oriented dominance and submission. For anybody living in a wife-led-marriage this book is essential.

I was interested in the book after a mailcorrespondance I had with Ms Rika. She was kind enough to comment on an entry in my blog. After her comment I wrote to her and she gave my som good advice.

The topic of our discusison was “my need versus what I want”. I was focused on how I could make my wife fullfill my needs. She argued that the only way to make this work was for me to stop focusing on my needs and turn all my attention to serving my wife. Serving her should be what I wanted and it should be serving her that gives me satisfaction.

She argues that D/s is not about what the wife does to the husband, but what he does for her. Since then my focus has been on making my wife happy and my pleasure is to serve her.  This advice is very succesful, I feel good serving her and she enjoys  having it her way and only doing the chores that she chooses to do. 

The book is in two parts. First section is about the D/s-relationship.  Rika takes a no-nonse-approach to the this. Her insight in the dynamics of the D/s-relationship is impressive and her understanding of the male mind is almost scaring :-) Reading the book was very usefull to me, but I think that the real value will be for my wife to read it. She will be able to understand our relationship in a new perspective and she will find good advice on how to handle the relationship.

The second part is about “male-centric”. This is very fascinating to read (for the male at least :-). Ms Rika sees these activities as gifts the wife can choose to give her husbond when she feels that he should get somthing “male-centric”. Most of these activities are described in the same no-nonsense-style as the first part. And again Ms. Rika know was she is talking about, and wifes who may want to give their husbonds “gifts” can learn how to do it. Meanwhile, for the male, reading this section makes you dream of what maybe could be someday.

Everybody living in a wife-led-marriage should read this book.

My wife has the book now and I hope that she will read it some day in the next 1-2 months. She saw how fascinated I was by the book and she decided she would read the book during summer. 

Finally bought “Around her finger”

When I first found the site www.aroundherfinger.com it was like a wakening to me. The site introduced me to wife led marriages and I soon realized that this was what I wanted. Finding that site was the start of my adventure into wife-led-marriages and love of the female authority.

The book was easily read. I didn’t learn anything from it that i hadn’t already learned from the web-site or the many sites about WLM. But the book is a gift for making your wife understand. It tells the story of two couples in a very easy-read way introducing WLM as the story develops. Very good reading, anybody can read it and understand the concept.

The book is for sale on lulu.com.

 

Is your wife dominant?

Prolog.

Since I wrote this blog-entry I have changed my view on how to submit to my wife. My focus when writing this entry was on “how to make my wife fullfill my needs.” The blogentry was commented by Urmel and Ms. Rika. Ms. Rikas comment made a big impression on me and I have later bought and read her book.  My focus now is on serving my wife the way she wants. My focus is on what I can do for her, nor what she shuld do to me. The original blog-entry remains here for inspiration.

Subtowife

Original entry starts here:

Reading another WLM-blog I stumpled over this reflection about the wifes dominance:

“I think it is fair to say almost all women to have a naturally dominant nature buried deep inside them, some buried a lot deeper than others, and that it is possible to draw this out overtime. How easy, and how far they are prepared to take their dominance, will depend on so many other factors, not least of all how they see themselves as a woman, and how much they enjoy using their sexuality. The other most important ingredient that in my opinion that must be present in any successful WLM is the woman’s ability to actually enjoy her dominance, her power, her ability to control, whatever you want to call it, she must at the end of the day get some satisfaction or basic enjoyment from taking on this role. If it’s not sexual, most unlikely for many women, then it has to be that she enjoys the power, the benefits that she can see that it brings her, or that she just enjoys seeing her husband pleased or turned on by her being this way.”

This quote incapsulates the challenge any submissive man living in a wife led marriage will face. Is she dominant? Will she ever enjoy being dominant?

The chance that, after maybe years together, you suddenly discover that your wife is a perfect domina, is not realistic. Reality wil probably be that she is not dominant and that she wil not like the idea of being your mistress.

I may have realized that I want to submit to my wife, but that doesn’t make her dominant unless she chooses to be so.

The strategy for any submissive man in a WLM must be to make small incremental changes that wil slowly, very slowly, introduce the wife to this new role. Small to avoid rejection and slowly to give her time to reflect and get the feeling of things.

For every step the husbond must realize that it might be the last step in the proces. If she cant accept that specific step then her limit may have been reached and you must respect it.

The strategy is a balance on the edge and a paradox. A paradox because the only way you can make her dominant is by controlling her thrugh manipulation when in fact your wish is that she should control you. A balance on the edge because you risk rejection if you push her to much. She must have the time and you must accept her decision. If you move to fast she will feel the pressure and will reject you and you may never be able to get there again.

A conversation with my wife

A couple of days ago she told me that she had read the danish translation of www.aroundherfinger.com/women. She didn’t comment further on it, but I noticed that she started using some of the methods described, e.g whisperings commands as sweet words in my ear.

Last night we had a long talk about wife led marriage. I told her about the troubles “At all times” was having communicating with his wife about WLM. 

She said that she wouldn’t like to be incapsulated by a service robot. She doesn’t want me to to care of her personal clothing, etc. She is happy deciding what kind of chores I should do around the house, she is good with that, she likes it. 

In fact we both enjoy beeing close again, talking, showing affection, having a sex-life, etc. This is great, this has been missing in our relation for a long time.

We also both enjoy that I am now very active around the house. She likes to do housework herself, she doesn’t want to give it up. But she is very pleased that she can tell me to do all the chores that she doesn’t wan’t do herself (mostly cleaning). I feel great doing the housework.

For many years this “key” to a new lovelife and an understanding about the housework has been missing. Now, with her beeing the dominant part, she understanding is there and we both enjoy this.

But its  not enough. To me there is an important sexual part. We talked about principles of domination. She understands denial and awards, she will probably develop these “tools” over time. But we both are unsure about her punishing me. She has no urge to punish me, she doesn’t want to beat me or hurt me.

I, on the other hand,  have a desire to be punished but have no experience with this at all. My ideas are fantasies and I am not sure what my “real life” tolerance will be. 

We agreed to develop things slow and develop our new relationship step by step using the time that we both need. She wil set the pace. I must be patient, not pushing her, not trying to manipulate her. We both enjoy living in a wife led marriage, I must respect her ways and her limits, or I risk detroying what we have. We have waited years to find this understanding, waiting another year for it to develop is a small price to pay. 

Regrets

My stupid behaviour in repsonse to me being impatient with my wife made us both misery. She is busy with reports at school and I’m behaving like an ass at home.

I realized this and asked for her forgiveness. I told her that I was frustrated and needed to talk about our relationship. She reapeated what she had already told me earlier; she would read www.aroundherfinger.com in april when she has the time for it.

She told me it would help if I made a danish translation of the site since reading in english is not something she does often. I was happy for this task and have spent my saturday evening making a danish transcript. She now has it in her mailbox and can read it when she wants.

Motivation is low

Mood is bad and motivation is low.

My wife is so enthusiastic about her “new” husband who cleans the house, does the laundry and give so great sex. She loves it and she swells in it.

But she is so pleased to show me how much she likes it that it almost makes her my sub :-( She has forgotten her new role as the boss and/or she haven’t yet realized that my enthusiasm is driven by her dominant behaviour.

I’m getting sloppy and it has no consequence. Today I decided to provoke her. I was bad, didn’t obey her and even left the dishes on the table when I went to the sportssclub. Once she asked “what I was doing”, but she didn’t put her foot down so I ignored it. Nothing happened.

When I returned home from the club she was gone to bed. She had left the dishes on the table for me and left a little ekstra assignment for me.

I am frustrated. Need her to be dominant. Need her to punish my misbehaviour.  

Told her about the blog

Yesterday was a great day. We did alot of housework together, spent some time shopping and had lunch downtown.

When I was sitting in the couch in the evening with the laptop reading blogs she suddenly asked what I was reading. Normally she wouldn’t do that. I spend a lot of time online reading all kind of stuff, she never really asked me about it before. Now she suddenly wanted to know.

I told her I was trying to learn more about WLM and was reading blogs about men living in wife led marriages. She was curious and we had a good talk about it.

I told her about this blog. At first she was afraid that her personal data was spread on the internet, but after assuring that it was not the case, she got a little curious. Not curious enough to read the site and ask for the URL. But I guess it won’t be long before she asks for it…another judgment coming up :-?

Not to masturbate

After a couple of days more with my frustration over the masturbationproblem I took the issue up with my wife.

She understood my need for her accept and she allowed me to masturbate once this week.