Must learn to admit when I fail – and take the rap

Yesterday she was furious with me because I hadn’t done a simple task with our son good enough. She was right, there was some things I should have taken care of, but I didn’t.

She blamed me and was very angry with me. This was a normal everyday quarrel between spouses, nothing more. But my reaction was to act as a stupid child, trying to tell her that I wasn’t the one who failed, she was….. stupid me, acting like a spoiled child who couldn’t take responsibility for my own failures…

A special observation about my reaction was that, in my mind, I started making this quarrel a question about her not giving me enough sexual attention and therefore she had no right to blame me for not taken proper care of our child. How stupid is this!

I went early to bed, had acted like a spoiled child all night, not talking to her, not serving her.

This morning all this is clear to me. I was very very stupid last night.

Must learn to take more care, must learn not to act like a child when she blames me. Must listen to her, must bow my head, learn and ask for her forgiveness.

This morning I was up early during som chores. She is still asleep. Must apologize for my stupid behaviour.

Must learn to take blame from her, must lean not to act like a child.

Building a new D/s framework

Building a framework – the new way

Frameworks seems to facilitate growth. If I see D/s as a framework that will be able to grow in many directions I will just design the basics, the rest will develop in the parnership.

We both need

• Comfort in the family and  financial security
• A good marriage based on love and affection
• Everyday things should work well
• Fun and joy

Her special needs

• Control the way things are done at home.
• Work
• Studying

My special needs

• Submission
• Work
• Studying

Our basic needs are pretty much the same. We have the same goals for our marriage and base-relationship. We both use a lot of energy in our work and study, and both feel that those areas are important.

Looking at our special needs it should be quite clear that combining a “I want it my way”-profile with a “I want to submit-profile” should work very well. So based on our needs the road should be open. The basic  incitaments in the platform are present.

The framework should have windows for different actions

• A window for work.
• A window for familylife and chores.
• A window for studying
• A window for explicit D/s.

Basic rules

• She decides. I can argue and she will listen but she decides and I will respect it.
• I will service her – putting her wishes before my needs and making her life easy. I should clear the path for her removing obstacles in her way – preferably before she notices them.

Rules of conduct for me

• Work-time is my own time. She will respect this since it gives us financial security.
• All other time is family/choretime unless she decides otherwise.
  • I must ask permission for study/own-time.
    • I can do things for myself during study/own-time.
  • She decides when its explicit D/s-time
• In familytime and D/s-time my focus must be on what she wants. I have no rights and should be totally focus on her  or doing my chores.
  • Being a good familyfather will naturally be expected by her and should always be a part of familytime.

Chores

• She will make a list of chores for me to do.
  • The chores must be performed as described.

Her role

• Should expect service from me
• Should expect me to perform exceptionally

My wishes

• She will be active dominating
  • Punishing me when not satisfied
  • Make it hard for me to serve her

Looking at it as a framework seems to make things easy and complying to the simple rules should be easy.

Implementing the framework will be in steps starting with my behaviour adapting to the framework. She will not accept the framework unless she can see my intent reflected in my actions. So step 1 is my own compliance, living the rules, showing her the respect that will show my submission.

Step 2 will be her acknowledgement of the framework. Seen my behaviour and enjoying the attention should make this easy for her is my timing is right.

Step 3 will be her stepping into a more active dominant role. This I will be able to ask for when the framework is well adopted and my service to her is part of our everyday life. This may not be for a very long time.

Will it work?

Have to find a new way

My frustrations about our relationship grew to much and we had to suspend our D/s-relation.

Reflecting on the relationsship I have noticed a series of problems.

Motivation

What I do, I do for a reason. If I long to be a sub it is because being a sub wil stimulate me in a way that I want. I do not believe that I can enter a D/s-relation if I dont get what I want. It cannot just be about her it must always be 2ways.  If submitting to her and servicing her is what I want then a serviceoriented D/s-relationship is perfect. I can get what I want by servicing and submitting to her.  

Whatever reason I would have for entering a D/s relationship, the relationhip will only work if I get what I need. This is clear to me.

MsRika has wisely adviced the males to focus on servicing the woman to be their need. Meaning that I if get to serve my wife I will be satisfied and all my need wil be fullfilled. This is a very good advice and I must again express my respect for MsRika way of thinking. I have done this, and yes it works, it is satifiying to service the wife and she loves it.

But its not enough, I need more than just service, I need to be dominated. I need my wife to be strict and firm about her ways and I need her to humiliate me sexually just to express her dominance. This is what I long for, this is my sexuality.

I nice to service her. I luv making tea to her when she desires it, I love the way my chores have given me a place on the house (doing my part). I love when my wife is happy and content. This is all very nice and in my many ways a good argument for D/s per se.

Sexual drive

But it doesn’t satisfy my sexual drive. I need her to be dominant and harsh. I need her to demand service from me and be strict about it. I need her to punish me, hard, when I fail. I need her to put me in difficult situations where it will be hard for me to satisfy her but still knowing that not doing it well will mean punishment. This is what I long for, this is the key to my frustrations.

Balancing D/s in everyday life.

Im not a submissive type in general. I want to submit to my wife only. In my job I’m  a senior executive focused on strategic management and my everyday puts me in a top-position with many people relying on me. Im not a dominant type in my job, I believe in management by inspiration, open processes and dialog.

In my own time I will study sciences and be in dialog with a lot of people through the internet. Again not submissive but focused on dialogue.

My children sees me and my wife as partners, D/s is not visible to them. They just see a dad who is very active at home and who has great resepct for his wife. These a good signals and wil give our children good values. I don’t expect them to understand D/S, it between me and my wife.

Her role

She likes to have things done her way. She can be very specific about things and it means a lot to her that things are done her way. This is a good challenge for a serviceoriented sub. In any other marriage it would be a menace, but to the sub her way is a gift. This is probably why i thought D/s would be great for her too. She could have it her way, we would no longer fight over little things and we could have a sexlife again. And this was actually what happened. She was happy with her new husbond, enjoying the attention and it was good.

But she didn’t understand my sexual drive. Being dominant in bed is not her way. Not getting realease for my sexual need built up frustrations until finally I started acting bad. Topping from the bottom to make her angry, hoping that she would be harsh and punish me. But she didn’t, she just resigned when she should step forward. This just made my frustrations bigger making me act like a spoiled kid.

The new way

My inner urge for submission is very strong. I think about it many hours every day. My frustrations about not being in a D/s is just as bad as the frustrations I had in the D/s. So I need to go that way, I need to submit, I want to submit, and I want to do it in a way that wil satisfy my needs, keep our marriage sound and good and make her happy. Impossible? maybe. My intellectual mind just sees this as a challenge.

Frustration again

After three months of service for my wife and actively trying to please her in any way I could think of, I now in limbo – and is very frustrated.

Here is my problem. I  don’t feel I get the feedback I need and I don’t get the “treasts” I need.

 My wife was very content with my effort to please her – everything was great, she enjoyed it very much and I loved it too. But as weeks passed I was hoping more and more that she she would give me the feedback I needed.

I hoped that she would insist on my service and maybe that she would make predicaments to make me work a bit harder for it. That is what I hope for but I dont get any of that kind of feedback at  all.

I now feel like a bunfire. My flames were big and proud and it was burning great. As time went by the fire burnt down, flames became smaller and the fire needed more wood to keep the flames big. But the fire didn’t get the needed wood and ended up as small coals screaming for her to put some more wood  on the fire.  She could do it easily, just pick up a piece of wound at put it in the fire. But she doesn’t, she just sits and watch the fire burn down.

I feel like that bunfire. I feel like I need som motivation and she could give it to me easily just by giving me a little feedback, not much, just a few words. I need her to be explicit about her being in the dominant position, I need her to say it and to hear her insist on my service and my submission.

I have told her this many times, have written letters and textmessages. But nothing happens… and my frustration grows.

I’m now at the point where motivation is lost. I don’t feel submissive anymore, I feel angry and frustrated.   But on the other hand I feel great sorry over the loss of my submissive role, I want it back.

Why cant she see this? Why doesnt she put some wood on the fire when she can see I burn out? Why cant she see it?  

I’m sure she doesnt want an angry and frustrated husband. But on the other hand thats what she is getting when she ignores my need for her dominant feedback.

I’m now so aware of submissive-self that I long for serving her. Thats what I want, but I have other needs too. And living a live where my sexual needs arent fulfilled, will be a life of frustration.

Things are great – and still developing

As I wrote in my previous post, my wife and I have decided to add the D/s-layer to our marriage again. Last time we didn’t make it work, communication was bad.

Since january I have been in heaven.  The simple agreement between us that she wil be on top and I will do my best to pleasure her anytime, has changed our marriage again and we are both very happy.

My wife has denied me orgasm since january. Last night she gave me the gift of release, and I’m very grateful to her, for her gift and for accepting my submission.

Our problem last summer was lack of communication. I had supplied her with links and books about this lifestyle. But she didn’t read any of them and as time went by I was getting more and more frustrated because I felt that we hadn’t really come to an agreement yet about our relationship. I was focused on serving her and was happy doing it, but I wanted to talk about D/s with her on a deeper level, the books and aticles was the key to this, but she didn’t read them. And I wasn’t wise enough to make it easy for her.

We are a danish couples, out language is danish, not english. Reading and understanding in english was the real obstacle for my wife. I knew this and still I didn’t realize that when asking her to read english, I was actually making it very difficult for her. I failed, my job was to make it easy for her, not hard!

The last couple of days I’ve spent translating “Uniquely Rika” into danish for my wife to read. I can’t translate all articles, but this book is very special to me and I want her to read it. Its written by MsRika and is a perfect picture of the relationship my wife and I want to build.  I love this book and I hope she will too.

Now I just wish she will read it… but if she doesn’t, I will be patient.  Evenhough I wish for at deeper D/s-relationship with her, I wil accept it if she doesn’t read it. The relationship we have right now is good enough for me, a lot better than it was before.

A new start

During summer 2008 my WLM-relationsship with my wife stopped. I had build up a lot of frustration and at that time I needed relief for my frustrations. Unfortunately it ended with at lot of topping from the bottom and the WLM-relationship died.

During the last 6 months our relationship has been very bad, we were unable to find a decent way to make our day-to-day communication and relation work. The result is even more frustration and an unhappy life for both parents and the children. This had to come to an end and after at lot of talks we both realized that we would give WLM a second chance.

Our problems are all in the lack of communications. We both want the WLM-approach but we didn’t talk enough about the conditions and it led to frustrations.

Yesterday we agreed to give it a new start.  We both want to be happy in our marriage and adding the D/s perspective feels right for us.

Uniquely rika

I bought another book this week, Uniquely Rika by Ms. Rika. The book is about service-oriented dominance and submission. For anybody living in a wife-led-marriage this book is essential.

I was interested in the book after a mailcorrespondance I had with Ms Rika. She was kind enough to comment on an entry in my blog. After her comment I wrote to her and she gave my som good advice.

The topic of our discusison was “my need versus what I want”. I was focused on how I could make my wife fullfill my needs. She argued that the only way to make this work was for me to stop focusing on my needs and turn all my attention to serving my wife. Serving her should be what I wanted and it should be serving her that gives me satisfaction.

She argues that D/s is not about what the wife does to the husband, but what he does for her. Since then my focus has been on making my wife happy and my pleasure is to serve her.  This advice is very succesful, I feel good serving her and she enjoys  having it her way and only doing the chores that she chooses to do. 

The book is in two parts. First section is about the D/s-relationship.  Rika takes a no-nonse-approach to the this. Her insight in the dynamics of the D/s-relationship is impressive and her understanding of the male mind is almost scaring 🙂 Reading the book was very usefull to me, but I think that the real value will be for my wife to read it. She will be able to understand our relationship in a new perspective and she will find good advice on how to handle the relationship.

The second part is about “male-centric”. This is very fascinating to read (for the male at least :-). Ms Rika sees these activities as gifts the wife can choose to give her husbond when she feels that he should get somthing “male-centric”. Most of these activities are described in the same no-nonsense-style as the first part. And again Ms. Rika know was she is talking about, and wifes who may want to give their husbonds “gifts” can learn how to do it. Meanwhile, for the male, reading this section makes you dream of what maybe could be someday.

Everybody living in a wife-led-marriage should read this book.

My wife has the book now and I hope that she will read it some day in the next 1-2 months. She saw how fascinated I was by the book and she decided she would read the book during summer. 

Finally bought “Around her finger”

When I first found the site www.aroundherfinger.com it was like a wakening to me. The site introduced me to wife led marriages and I soon realized that this was what I wanted. Finding that site was the start of my adventure into wife-led-marriages and love of the female authority.

The book was easily read. I didn’t learn anything from it that i hadn’t already learned from the web-site or the many sites about WLM. But the book is a gift for making your wife understand. It tells the story of two couples in a very easy-read way introducing WLM as the story develops. Very good reading, anybody can read it and understand the concept.

The book is for sale on lulu.com.

 

Is your wife dominant?

Prolog.

Since I wrote this blog-entry I have changed my view on how to submit to my wife. My focus when writing this entry was on “how to make my wife fullfill my needs.” The blogentry was commented by Urmel and Ms. Rika. Ms. Rikas comment made a big impression on me and I have later bought and read her book.  My focus now is on serving my wife the way she wants. My focus is on what I can do for her, nor what she shuld do to me. The original blog-entry remains here for inspiration.

Subtowife

Original entry starts here:

Reading another WLM-blog I stumpled over this reflection about the wifes dominance:

“I think it is fair to say almost all women to have a naturally dominant nature buried deep inside them, some buried a lot deeper than others, and that it is possible to draw this out overtime. How easy, and how far they are prepared to take their dominance, will depend on so many other factors, not least of all how they see themselves as a woman, and how much they enjoy using their sexuality. The other most important ingredient that in my opinion that must be present in any successful WLM is the woman’s ability to actually enjoy her dominance, her power, her ability to control, whatever you want to call it, she must at the end of the day get some satisfaction or basic enjoyment from taking on this role. If it’s not sexual, most unlikely for many women, then it has to be that she enjoys the power, the benefits that she can see that it brings her, or that she just enjoys seeing her husband pleased or turned on by her being this way.”

This quote incapsulates the challenge any submissive man living in a wife led marriage will face. Is she dominant? Will she ever enjoy being dominant?

The chance that, after maybe years together, you suddenly discover that your wife is a perfect domina, is not realistic. Reality wil probably be that she is not dominant and that she wil not like the idea of being your mistress.

I may have realized that I want to submit to my wife, but that doesn’t make her dominant unless she chooses to be so.

The strategy for any submissive man in a WLM must be to make small incremental changes that wil slowly, very slowly, introduce the wife to this new role. Small to avoid rejection and slowly to give her time to reflect and get the feeling of things.

For every step the husbond must realize that it might be the last step in the proces. If she cant accept that specific step then her limit may have been reached and you must respect it.

The strategy is a balance on the edge and a paradox. A paradox because the only way you can make her dominant is by controlling her thrugh manipulation when in fact your wish is that she should control you. A balance on the edge because you risk rejection if you push her to much. She must have the time and you must accept her decision. If you move to fast she will feel the pressure and will reject you and you may never be able to get there again.

A conversation with my wife

A couple of days ago she told me that she had read the danish translation of www.aroundherfinger.com/women. She didn’t comment further on it, but I noticed that she started using some of the methods described, e.g whisperings commands as sweet words in my ear.

Last night we had a long talk about wife led marriage. I told her about the troubles “At all times” was having communicating with his wife about WLM. 

She said that she wouldn’t like to be incapsulated by a service robot. She doesn’t want me to to care of her personal clothing, etc. She is happy deciding what kind of chores I should do around the house, she is good with that, she likes it. 

In fact we both enjoy beeing close again, talking, showing affection, having a sex-life, etc. This is great, this has been missing in our relation for a long time.

We also both enjoy that I am now very active around the house. She likes to do housework herself, she doesn’t want to give it up. But she is very pleased that she can tell me to do all the chores that she doesn’t wan’t do herself (mostly cleaning). I feel great doing the housework.

For many years this “key” to a new lovelife and an understanding about the housework has been missing. Now, with her beeing the dominant part, she understanding is there and we both enjoy this.

But its  not enough. To me there is an important sexual part. We talked about principles of domination. She understands denial and awards, she will probably develop these “tools” over time. But we both are unsure about her punishing me. She has no urge to punish me, she doesn’t want to beat me or hurt me.

I, on the other hand,  have a desire to be punished but have no experience with this at all. My ideas are fantasies and I am not sure what my “real life” tolerance will be. 

We agreed to develop things slow and develop our new relationship step by step using the time that we both need. She wil set the pace. I must be patient, not pushing her, not trying to manipulate her. We both enjoy living in a wife led marriage, I must respect her ways and her limits, or I risk detroying what we have. We have waited years to find this understanding, waiting another year for it to develop is a small price to pay.